“Mr. Pumpernickel was a well meaning individual for the most part. When I met him, about 4 years ago, he came off as fun and free. In retrospect, I should have known he was overladen with internal chaos.”
He was introduced to me as someone with similar interests. Ready to settle down, looking for a committed relationship and into God. At first I said “NO”, per usual, and it took about a year to convince me otherwise. After constant rants about how we would be perfect for each other, blah blah blah, I finally gave in. (insert yawning emoji)
We officially met at a game night (I know I know I stay at a game night). He came in, knowing he was coming to meet me, with a female companion. (insert raised eyebrow emoji). That was my first sign.
Now mind you, the companion was a complete jerk face. Like I was two seconds from introducing her to B.dot.Bailey but by the grace of GAWD….. That was sign number two, if he can enjoy the company of a female like that thennnnn maybe we don’t need to be friends. Dang two signs in one night…. He thought I was attractive and worth getting to know so he got my information from the host. (insert thinking emoji)
<<REWIND FORWARD>> I had just come out of a relationship rather abruptly. I was hurting and had finally gotten to a place where I was able and willing to entertain the thought of dating again. The key point is to heal first before you embark on anything new. You’ll just end up taking your hurt out on your new interest (insert light bulb emoji)
<<FAST FORWARD>> The more I got to know Mr. Pumpernickel the more it seemed as if it was a prerequisite for him to surround himself with a variety of women. This attribute was severely annoying and I wanted to know who he was without the baggage. There was a season where we spent enough time together alone for me to be able to see who he really was. I liked him, the real him. He had so much potential. A yearning for a life more than he was experiencing. I tried my hardest to give him the best advice possible but he was stubborn and it frustrated me to no ends.
From having multiple female best friends, to having to have a female companion everywhere he went, to having a revolving door of fake friendships and associations, etc… It was too much!
We had some sketchy interactions. We got mad at each other, but we kept coming back for more. Kept popping back up in each other lives. The good times were great but the bad times were really bad…
I found myself caught in a tornado of actions that didn’t match words. Of confusion and uncertainty. Of giving more than I was receiving. I was tired, drained and depressed. Not the quality of life I wanted.
<<PAUSE>> I have learned in my life’s journey that any male who needs to have females around him consistently, normally, are in need of severe validation. It’s not about dating as much as it is about feeling like they are good enough. It is about self- esteem and self- worth. (insert crying emoji) The old/new attractive male trait are “MEN WHO ARE WORKING ON HEALING THEMSELVES”
<<UNPAUSE>> I tried to find my place in Mr. Pumpernickels life for a while, even as a friend. Although I liked him as a person it got to the point where I felt like there was nothing more I could offer him. Sometimes people have to figure things out on their own at that tenure in their life. One day they wake up and have an “AH HA” moment. A moment where they realize the truth behind everything I had been saying. 9 times out of 10 they even come back to me and apologize. My intentions are never to hurt or destroy anyone, I want to see everyone win. But sometimes the best answer is to walk away. (insert race car emoji)
When I began to evaluate “ME” in this whole situation I discovered that I had more work to do. I am not JESUS, nor am I Olivia Pope. It is not my job to fix people. It is my job to be me, to love me (therefore having the capacity to love others) and to live “MY” life. If certain people are in it then great if not, then hey life definitely goes on.
I wish Mr. Pumpernickel the best. We haven’t talked in a long time…. And I am okay with that. I am okay with the inevitable demise of Mr. Pumpernickel in my life.